Is Olivia Chow running to be our mayor — or our mom?
Our Lady of Perpetual Help opened her campaign headquarters on Yonge St. Sunday with a $6-million, three-year promise to take care of our kids after school.
“So that our children can grow up strong and smart and stay out of trouble,” she purred.
Bless you, dear, sweet, gentle Olivia. Keep it up. Pretty soon we won’t even need parents, who are overrated. City Hall is more nurturing.
“It’s about time we put children at the heart of the city,” Ms. Chow tells us, and suddenly it feels like spring. Outside, the temperature actually went up a degree, into double digits for the first time since, oh, last August.
It’s a beautiful day in Nannyville.
Miss Olivia tells us her City Hall would hire 200 eager young people for an after-school program to teach six- to 12-year-olds such skills as basketball, swimming, art and music to “build their bodies and shape their minds and give them the opportunity to play with others.”
This would double the current After-School Recreation Care program (ARC) launched with fanfare by then-mayor David Miller in 2006. Yes, that David Miller.
Weird, but Chow on Sunday claimed she and Mel Lastman unveiled ARC, though Mel had left the mayor’s chair three years earlier.
Is Olivia trying to hide any link to the lavish Mr. Miller?
(Ed. note: Humbug, Strobel, you got something against little kids?)
Not at all, boss, I just don’t want City Hall fretting about mine.
I thought the Y, schools, Boy Scouts, house leagues and, uh, ah, er, lemme think, oh, yes, PARENTS were supposed to do that.
Not in Nannyville. Not in Olivia Chow’s Toronto, where the motto is We Take Care of You All — It’s Just Money.
Sadly, the urchins of Forest Hill and Leaside need not apply, since Chow’s program targets 40 “priority neighbourhoods.”
So ask your neighbours to work less or get diabetes more — and earn “priority” status.
Ms. Chow says she welcomes private partners to her after-school initiative, but “if not, the city will pay for it on its own.”
That’s the spirit, Olivia. How dare they call you a tax-and-spend fiend?
She’ll babysit 1,200 kids, but really the sky’s the limit. How much money you got, Joe Taxpayer?
Otherwise, the program is a tad vague, leaving me to fill in the blanks for the brochure...
Kid got the sniffles? Leave the munchkin with Olivia’s Nanny Service and a selection of taxpayers will wipe his nose.
The Medical Officer of Health will applaud this bid to halt the spread of cold, flu and grippe and to rid sidewalks of unsightly boogers.
Kid can’t sleep?
Olivia, an opera singer’s daughter, will warble a medley of lullabies, ranging from Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to Solidarity Forever.
Three taxpayers will be chosen at random as backup singers.
Worried about your kids’ television viewing?
Only TV shows with a social conscience will be offered at Olivia’s Nanny Service, such as The View and M*A*S*H reruns directed by Alan Alda.
Absolutely no Swamp People or Sun News Network.
Taxpayers will take turns, alphabetically, covering the cable bill.
I’m told Olivia’s Nanny Service also will offer kindergarten-level sensitivity training, gender clarification counselling and equal opportunity sandboxes.
Luckily, the city can buy sand in bulk.
As a special weekend feature, Olivia’s Nanny Service will be available to middle-aged politicians and other overgrown kids in need of tender care. Not mentioning any names.
Extra burly nannies will pour coffee down his throat, box his ears, lecture him on the evils of carousing, and tuck him into a cab. A cellphone camera will record it all.
Coffee, cab fare and cellphone, of course, will be billed to the taxpayer.
That’s how it plays out, in Nannyville.
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